So I know it’s been forever since we’ve poster ( okay I posted a anything) on here. However I would just like to say that things between Brandon and I have been great other than the fact that we have completely different schedules. It’s really hard to see each other, but I know that we can get through the rough times just like we can get through everything else.
I honestly can’t wait to go live with my baby for 2 months this summer. I just can’t wait to Lay out every night under the starry sky’s and hold him. It really will be like the first picture he ever sent me. (Personal~ fireworks)
He’s still my baby. And I still love him dearly. I’m going to try to post on here daily about our relationship, what’s coming up. What we’re both doing. Blah blah blah.
Recap. Brandon’s perfect. I miss him so much. I know that we’re going to be okay. And meow.
Hey guys, I know its been a long time since either myself or Matthew have posted on this blog, but I want things to change.
Yes, I know that today is 420, but I thought that I would write today just because of how im feeling.
So Matthew left Newfoundland to go back to Pennsylvania about 2 weeks ago, and i’ve honestly never missed him more. Waking up isn’t the same without him here. Just coming home isn’t the same. Something is missing.
We’ve both been really busy since he’s been home, and we havent really had much time to talk. Which makes it all the worse, to be completely honest. Just not being able to talk to him makes me miss him so much more.
So tonight (1:08am 4/20) I got home from work, and I called Matt to get on skype. And he was really sleepy, so as soon as I got on skype, and I legit started crying because I miss him so much from not being able to spend time with him.
I miss my boyfriend more then anything in the entire world.
I can’t really think of anything else to say, but this; I love you Matthew, sweet dreams<3
Ps, 50 days.
hi, so today is june 28th 2012. and today has been the most dramatic, and hardest day of my life to actually get up in the morning. my legs didn’t want to move. my body just couldnt leave the bed. this morning i was so scared to wake up. i was terrified. and this morning. in a way i just felt all of my limbs just fall numb. my mucels felt stiff. and my eyes still full of worry. i looked at my phone to see if he was still there. but the call had ended. what may be one of the last phone calls i make to the person that i love the most in my life. my heart is on its last leg, right in the palm of your hand. you have the choice of what to do with it. you have and my mind was full negative of thoughts. i thought of what may happen. i thought of what you may do. i felt my stomach stop. and i felt my blood run cold. and so i called him. but no answer. it went strait to voicemail. so i hung up and tried again. and i tried a third time. and i tried again. and again. and again. and again.nothing that was ag 4 this morning. so i rolled over and tried to sleep. but just couldn’t. so i trued again. no answer still. i grabbed the bear that he gave me but it justbrought back memories of when he gave it to me. and how happy we were that week. it brought back that day to my head. all that week that followed with it. that one week in my life that i felt more for anyone than i ever did. than i felt more at peace than i ever have. and i thought about how i never really felt like i belong anywhere. because truethfully nowhere felt right before i was with him. when i was with him everything just felt so dissent and unreal. like i was in a world all its own. he was my own personal wonderland and i his alice. i still remember the first day. the very first day. even though last night i knew he didn’t after i asked him. i remember asking him to skype. our first skype call. and he was wearing a purple legalize gay shirt. and i was wearing my freen and white stripped tank top. i had a two week old buzz cut. and he had been growning it out a bit. his hair was adorable and messy, but it was okay because i felt something in him. i felt him. his true spirit. his soul connected to mine at that moment. in those moments there were smiles that we used ti have. and there were laughes exchanged. i just knew i wanted him more than anyone else. no other guy mattered to me. and they still dont. its 6 months later, and my heart still beat for him. every day. i remember that we both wanted to watch a movie, so we put in harry potter at the same time, and we layed down on our couches and snuggled up next to eachother. the funny thing is, we never made it though the movie. we got to tired passed out. the funnier thing is that we were never able to make it though a harry potter movie together. it honestly never happened. but it was okay. we tried most of them. and everyone we would either get distracted with eachother or get tired. it always made me smile thinking about that. movies were a big part of our relationship. they gave us most of our inside jokes. all those laughs over all of those days. all of those smiles. and all of those i love you’s. the ones that you got sick of hearing. i know i said them to much. and i know you did too. but i didnt mean to annoy you to this point. i just didnt know what else to say. i just didn’t know what else to do. and i still dont know wgat else to do. everything i do. i just worry that in going to hurt you. and i know that sounds really hard to understand. and i know it makes me look weak. but truthfully i don’t care. i don’t care about myself anymore. all i care about is him. all i want anyone to know is that hes all i care about. thats what i always told him. i just wanted him to feel like i was always there. im always there for him. something he forgot along the way. something that i pushed to hard on. eventually the meaning ran out. hes the only one that i cared for that all my care went right to him. and i came off clingy. i came off wanting more and more. i was spoiled. i still am selfish and a horrible person. he makes me happy everyday. why is that never good enough? why is everything i do wrong? or at least feel wrong we were happy last night until my ass started up. it made it seam like he was nrver good enough. when in reality he was the best thing i have ever found. why did i push it. why did i have to go and ruin it? why am i always the one to fuck everything up? all i feel is shame inmyself. all i know is that in a the history of idiotiotic idiots in this world, i know that if this turns out the way i hope it doesnt, than im the biggest one. i know that i’m not worth anything if i can’t have you. if i can’t have you right now. i can’t have anyone. i just couldn’t have anyone else. i just need you. youre like a major organ in my body. youre like oxygen, like water. in my life i need you to move on. to live, to breath, and to think. i just couldnt do any of those things without him in my life. i just couldnt think, if he wasnt there. i just couldnt, breath right, because he wouldnt be there. and i know for a fact. without him, my life will end. this may be a dead man typing his last will. i may as well die in mysleep tonight if i don’t make it out with out him. i refuse to let him go. i refuse to forget everything we went through. when my dad hit me, you were there. when i told mom about us, you were there. when someone upset me, you were there. when i cried, when i felt alone, when i had a bad day…you,you,you. you have always been there. and i juat couldnt imagin my life without you being there. i just couldn’t see myself without you by myside. i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without you ever. all i would see is the man who lost the greatest thing that ever happened to him. all the memories mar my mind. they’re all i think about. they’re all i know. right now. the memorie of you and i getting a world record for longest video chat. the one of you and i messing with the boys on facebook. all those meals we made together. all the smiles. all the tears, and all the love. love is something that i will never forget with you. love is something that i never honestly felt with anyone but you. and i feel bad. because i may have let that slip out of my fingers. i may have just made you forget how much love was truely there. all those late nights where would stay up. they made the love thrive. all those showers together. they made the love strong. our love grew strong. that’s what you used to say. you used to say it all the time. you used to say “stronger thab yesterday, weaker than tomorrow”. that was my favorite quote you used to say. you used to say you would love me forever. and i honestly hope that’s still relative after today. i really hope that you follow you heart when you make the dission that you make. the choice that youre making today that you told me yesterday. after i pushed you away even more with another stupid fight that i just had to start, when you were being so sweet. and i just had to come in and overreact. you were right. why didnt you let me just get it out. you were right. i was bitching and now in the morning i understand that i was being dumb. and undeserving. i understand now that i was being selfish. the fight started over when i saw his instagram for the first time. i hadn’t seen some of those pictures. and i got upset over it. and for no reason at all i flipped shit. i didnt have any real motive. i made myself look like a fool. and a selfish little bitch. so clingy and so far removed. and so you got mad, and i deserved. and you stopped talking to me. so i just kept calling. and nothing. so i kept calling. and just making you annoyed. i honestly couldn’t contain myself. or stop myself. i couldnt stop. i just wanted you to be okay. i wanted everything to be okay. and thats when everything happened. that’s when you told me you werent as happy. thats when you told me you know you still love me but just can’t feel it. thats when you told me i was too clingy. that’s when you told me you were tired of hearing the words i love you. i guess love is truely a losing game because even though i played love si many times. love can only beat so many selfish acts. and thats all i am. is a brat. a selfish little unfitted brat. and i will gladdly admit that because i know that i wasted all your love away. i know that. i know that it was myfault. i know that last night was the night that yoy told me you have to do whats best for you. and i want you to do that. i want you to be happy. and i just want you to know that. i want you to feel unalone any more and feel like yoy have someone. and even if that persons not me, i jusy wish it was. i wish i could be there with you. i wish i could hold you every night and morning. and during the day. i know i could do it. our love is over futile odds and laughed at by gods. i just know that we can prevail. we can make it through this together. you just need to believe. please
Before anyone says anything I know that neither myself or Matthew have posted on here in a while. Once again it dropped down to me not wanting to post, but for some reason I really just wanted to post on here again.
I dont really feel like talking about anything in particular that happened in the past, but i just want to focus on the future, and the stuff that happened today. Everything else is irrelevant.
So today I woke up to Matthew<3 I love having him be there when I wake up. It literally makes my day, and gets me through the day until I get to see him again. I just love knowing that he’s there to watch over me when I sleep and to fight away all the bad dreams, as I do for him. #PerfectTwo.
So after Matt left this morning, I just went back to bed. I woke up around like 2, and I started to get ready. I went to the bank, and Matt started to text me:)
We talked about a bunch of random stuff throughout the afternoon. Nothing particularly interesting, or worth talking about on here.
At 6 my dad came to pick me up to take me to class, unfortunately that didnt happen because he was an asshole and just dropped me off at the mall. I couldnt get to class from there in time to be able to attend. Cause by the time I would of got there it would of been 8:30, and class is over at 9. So there wasnt much point. So I just ended up going home on the bus, but when I got to the Village, I met up with my friend Melissa. We just trotted around and talked about Matthew. Like any of my conversations with my friends and how they consist of me talking about him.
I went home and now i’m talking to Matt on skype.
He got his passport form <3
So #Step1, is done.
Now all he really has to do is ask his mother, or talk to her about it.
But tomorrow i’m going to go to the travel agency and talk to them about flights and hotels and stuff if im to have to go back down there.
ps, karp karp karp magikarp karp.
yesterday, he 16th, i had school early in the morning, and i woke up to the most beautiful boy in the world. (1) and then i got in the shower and texted him all the way to school until i had school and that amazing beautiful boy fell asleep( 2). then when i got out of school, that wonderful amazing beautiful boy and i texted until i had to go to work, and i called him on my way to work and we talked until it started and tat just made my entire day at work so much better. ( 3) (4). after work, i was in such a great mood, and so i called this great, wonderful, amazing, beautiful boy and told him all about my day, and how he was making it so much better. i told him about how i was getting sassy with the customers, and this funny great, wonderful, amazing, beautiful boy made me laugh all the way home, back to work ( i forgot my key) and all the way back home again (5) (6). then i did my homework, and this smart, funny, great, wonderful, amazing beautiful boy forgot that he had to go to school, it’s okay, because he’s not really missing anything, and he stayed home to talk to me. (7). when we got on skype we watched baby mama, and i fell asleep half way in the middle of it, and he didn’t even care. (8) because this incredible, smart, funny, great, wonderful, amazing, beautiful boy knows i love him and he loves me(9). so he told me it was okay, and i woke up to him the next morning laying next to me, and everything was perfect. (10)
as i totally just said about this boy, i woke up to him. on the 17th, and everything was perfect. he was so helpful today, and pretty much the same thing happened today that happened yesterday, except i didn’t have work , instead i visited my grandma in the hospital, and this boy was so helpful to me. because i was so worried, about her, and my grandpa, that this lovely, encouraging, and clever made me so happy, when i was worred now we’re skyping and i’ll probably fall asleep again, and hell do homework and i’ll wake up to him again tomorrow. :) so excited. :) i love waking up next to him, because i know i’ll be doing it for the rest of my life. :) il ove my dudds
hehehehe he’s singing to me right now, and it’s so cute<3 so i gotta go, we’re going to watch the house bunny <3
i love this lovely, encouraging, clever, incredible, smart, funny, great, wonderful, amazing, beautiful boy, and i’m so happy to call him my boyfriend, my fiance, and one day my husband. <3
sorry for not posting in a while.
me and matthew have pretty much forgotten about reminding eachother to post on this blog, but we’re gonna start doing it again. I like letting people know about how my day goes with Matthew and how we get through things. Its a great help.
So Matthew’s birthday was last week. He finally turned 17. We skyped, and watched Mulan. I also showed Matthew what I was going to get him for his birthday. Well, eventually get him for his birthday, and he fell inlove with it. It was a Snorelax Sweater. His favourite Pokemon:)
Since then everything has been your usual days.
Wake up, and talk to eachother. School/Work. Come home and talk to eachother all night, then do it all over again<3
I love just being able to talk to my boy all day, and all night.
Its the best feeling ever knowing that we’ve stuck with eachother this long, and that there is nothing in this world that is going to tear us apart:)
Its like less then a week till our 5 month anniversary:)
I’m so excited!! I’m already making plans for it in my head:D
Anywho, I love my boyfriend more then words to describe<3
so a lot has happened recently with brandon and i, and i’m not going to type a big long thing that stated day from day. but i am going to tell you what brandon and i have been doing lately. lately, brandon and i have been watching movies every night. :) i dubbed it the epic movie month may. yeah i know it’s pretty much an epic of epic epicness… no big deal. i love it. it’s so comferting to snuggle up with my booboo and tell him how much i love him and laugh at the same things that he’s laughing at and everything. and i love falling asleep next to him.
the other day i had to give my boy some tough love and tell him that i love him but he needs to go deal with his problems. and everything. it wasn’t that big of a deal. and becuase he’s been trying so hard. he has a job interview on my birthday. and clearly he’s going to get it( knock on wood) because it’s my birthday, and everything good happeneds on my birthday, clearly… i was born. that was the day i emerged from my mother to grace this land with my beauty.
but enough about me. lets get back to me and brandon. lately. i think that he doesn’t do anything, but than i relised that he can’t because you need money to do something so whenever i bring it up i feel bad. that’s why i’m not going to talk about it, because i know i’ll feel feel bad if i do.
tonight, when brandon and i got on skype. i surprised him by playing his favorite song that reminds him of us… perfect two by auburn.( or whatever) it made him cry. and it was so cute. even though i can’t sing, i know that he loved it because he loves me. and he cried. and it was so perfect. <3 i love my boy. and i love that he loves me. he told me that i was the first person to sing to him. and i know i’ll be the last.
like the song goes. you’re that apple to my pie, you the straw to my berry, you’re the smoke to my high, and you’re the one i want to mary. and i plan on wedding this boy, if it kills me. i swear, i will <3
i love you brandon. you and me forever<3
Since myself and Matthew didn’t get to skype sleepover, we just fell asleep on the phone. When we got up, Matthew went and got ready for school, and I got ready for Court. He went to school, and I went to get the bus downtown. Since I didn’t talk to him much throught school, I had to do court alone. I got an absolute discharge, so I don’t have a permanent record. I just have to pay $50, then im good to go.
Then I went home, and took a nap until Matthew got home from school. We texted, and talked to eachother on the phone until he had to work. By then, I was getting ready to go to Class. It was my first day at College, and I did nothing, other then text Matthew every now and again when he’d text me. Other then that, nada. But we talked to eachother when he got off work, and we’ve been on skype for the last 2 1/2 hours, and we’re loving ever minute.
He isnt allowed to have the computer again tonight, so we’re just gonna fall asleep on the phone again. I just want to feel close to him, and I will do whatever it takes to do that <3
I love my boyfriend more then anything in the world.
Ps, I was talking to my friend Melissa about Matthew, and I love that she loves us. She thinks we’re perfect, and that our relationship is strong.
I also think this. <3
on that day brandon and i had a sleep over on the phone i’m pretty sure. and i love those sleepovers because i can still feel like he’s there, and if i need him in teh middle of the night he’s already there for me<3 and i love that. and i get to fall asleep next to him too and wake up to him every morning. it’s one of the best things about being with brandon, i love waking up to him just as much as he loves seeing me in the morning. ughh, i love that. i honestly think about all the other nights in the future when i mary this boy, and i get to say good night to him everynight and good morning to him every morning. i would love to see him eating cereal every morning, ughhh, i can’t wait. and to fix his tie on his way to work, and he would fix my suspenders <3 uhh. i just can’t wait.
then i had school but i threw up half way through school, and brandon had to go to a court appointment, so i just layed in bed, played pokemon and waited till he got home, and skyped with him as soon as he got home, and he took care of me.<3 he told me to go make toast and get tylonol, and he honestly can make me feel better just by talking to me, he makes me laugh, and smile, and forget about my pain. <3 he lights up my world like noone else. and then we skyped for hours after that, to a point that we didn’t have anything else to talk about. :) and even though that’s a bit boring, it’s really not, because i get spend it with my boy. and that always gets me happy. i don’t care if we say anything or not, because i know that i’m with him, and that’s what makes me happy.
then today, i was busy all day, ( may 1st) and i noticed that brandon and i have been a bit clingy to eachother, and i know that it’s okay. because i like clingy, but i didn’t want us to be that couple, you know what i mean? i love spending time with him, and i want to spend a lot of it with him. i really do. but i don’t want to be on skype all the time, and not have anything to talk about all the time. i want to talk about stuff with my boy, because i love hearing what he’s doing. so i told brandon that today, and he understood, it’s not him that’s boring, it’s the fact that neither of us has anything to say. so he made some plans, and tomorrow and the days after we’re both busy in the day. so that he doesn’t have to sit around and wait for me while i’m at school all day.
i do love that he loves because i love him. and i love that he wants to spend time with me. <3 because i want to too.
tomorrow brandon has court in the morning, and he’s a bit nervous, so we’re going to have a sleep over because i want him to forget about it for a little, and go in with a positive attitude after a good nights sleep<3 i also tried to get his mind off of it by watching a funny movie. one of my favorites. we watched history of the world, part one. very funny. i really hoped brandon would like it, and i’m really happy that he did:)
he has school tomorrow too, and i have work, so we won’t talk much, but i know we’ll have a lot to say on skype tomorrow:) i’ll miss him tomorrow, so i’m going to go all bad ass, like did today at work, and text him during school :) no big deal. well, text him as much as i can. no big deal. he also has a work interview, i have work… big day:) i hope everything goes well:)
i love you boobear, you’re my world.
and my life.
and i’m going to try harder baby, i really am. <3
Friday wasn’t the best day for me and Matthew. We we;re having some issues with a stalker ex of his, and I was worried about it. I thought I was going to lose him to this kid, although I know better then that, cause I know that Matthew would never leave me. I know that i’ll be his forever. It’s just how I see it.
We we’re supposed to have Date Night, but it didn’t turn out, cause we both got upset because of the situation, but it passed because we both just spilled all of our feelings and everything was perfect again.
Matthew said to me that since I came around that he’s opened up to a point where I make him the most comfortable. How I can make him feel safe. That’s all I want in my life. I want to keep Matthew safe from everything. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t do that?
Yesterday, Matthew and myself just talked on the phone pretty much all morning<3 He just laid in bed and talked to me. One of the reasons he makes me feel like i’m the only boy in the world. He then had to go to work, and I was really just thinking about my life and how it was going to be in the future. How I start school on the 3rd, and how my life is actually going to start. It’s the first step. Its the first step to my future with my boy. That also crossed my mind.
I was thinking about our wedding, and how it was going to be. I honestly had it all planned out in my head, and it made me so happy to think about it.
I know Matthew wanted to get married on a boat, and I wanted to get married underneath the stars. So I started looking for boats that would be able to satisfy both mine and Matthew’s wish for our wedding.
& I found the perfect boat.
I honestly fell in love with it. I thought it was absolutely perfect.
I was thinking about how we would get married underneath the stars, and how our friends and family would be there with us. I imagined that the boat would be decorated in black and white drapes, and how Matthew would come down from the top, and I would be standing there with the minister, waiting for him to walk down the aisle. I would just be looking at him, and I wouldnt even pay attention to anyone else that was there, because in that moment I would know that i’m the luckiest boy in the world, cause i’d be marrying Matthew.
I even thought about my vows and what I would say to babe.
It went a little like this “Matthew Francis Salinger, in this exact moment I am complete. You’ve stuck with me through the thick and thin, and that you never gave up on me. I fought for you, and I was never going to let you slip away from me. You’re my other half. You’re my bestfriend. You’re my perfect boy.
The way that you can just smile and light up my world. How you can say I love you and make everything better. How you hold me at night and keep me safe. I wouldnt give up anything like that all the money in the world. You’re my greatest achievement. You’re my one true love.”
I thought about it alot, and I honestly cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with this boy. I think its exactly what I deserve. And I know for a fact that I deserve the best, and as far as i’m concerned. I got better then my best<3
Lastnight was also Date Night, unofficially anyways.
We watched Superstar, and Matthew and myself nearly died of laughter. It’s the most hilarious movie i’ve seen in a long time<3 I love that I get to experience the best things with my boyfriend.
Where my internet was complete shit lastnight, and would keep cutting in and out, we didnt have a sleepover, but we just fell asleep on the phone. We talked on the phone for the longest time today. I love talking to him, he can instantly make me feel out of this world. Its the greatest feeling.
But lately, i’ve been becoming a little bit clingy. I would cry everytime he would have to go. It’s cause where im still worried that i’ll lose him. Its just subconsciously in the back of my head. But I know he wont. So I dont have to worry.
I’ve also been feeling like as each day that goes by, im falling for Matthew harder then before. I feel like today, I love him SO much more then I did yesterday. I honestly dont know what I would do without this boy in my life.
I will fight for his love everyday, until I die.
“Don’t know if I could ever be Without you
‘Cause boy you complete me
And in time I know that we’ll both see That we’re all we need
Cause you’re the apple to my pie
You’re the straw to my berry
You’re the smoke to my high
And you’re the one I wanna marry”
Matthew, you complete me.
You’re my one true love.
I love you So much<3
that was so long ago„ i had off that day, and so brandon had to go to school in the morning, i think i t was his first day. :- my baby so cute starting college. hehe. and and i was so proud of him. and i had off school because in pennsylvainia it was election day, and i was so into the idea of not having school. so i supported my boo through school even though it was ust registration. but still he’s starting. and then i got up out of bed around 2 and skyped with brandon all afternon until i had work, and so he waited for me to get off, and he had to clean his room, so i told him if he didn’t clean his room we couldn’t get dirty, and to support that idea even more. on my break at work i sent him new dirty photos lol… that got him motivated. and… his room is clean.. hehe. such a good motivator. just saying.
on the twenty fith.
i had schooland election day was over. and i think that it was an okay day, because brandon had work n the morning the same time i had work, we didn’t talk much that day, but then we made up for it that night by watching brandon and i’s favorite movies eating out. then we cuddled all night and had another sleep over. we’ve been having a lot of them lately. and we’re having alot nother one again tonight.
and tonight hte 26th. and brandon and i have been having issues with this stawlker ex boyfriend of mine. i think he’s crazy and brandon agrees. it was stiupid, and we’re over it now, because it gets brandon and i worked up about it when we talk about it. so i’m done talking about it…. it’s just that brandon and i have a stwlker that’s in love with me. no big deal… fucking creep. <3 and nothing we were going to watch a movie , but because we both downloaded the movie it took wayyyyy too long, and so we just desided to save it for date night<3
( this has been like date week and i love i. sleep overs and movies everynight this week so far < i loveee it. <3
i always love time spent with my boo.
you’re my one and only boo. i love you more than anything in the world. i can promise you that<3